Spam Poetry and Survival Advice

Caixa Bank Diagonal, #1 (La Caixa, Terra i Foc), Barcelona, 2020

With the world in coronavirus crisis mode, perhaps thoughts of post apocalypse survival have crossed your mind. 

Well, coincidentally…

My website spam filter recently screened out a really wonderful “essay” on the theme of survival, albeit within the context of gaming (Minecraft). Still, might this advice be useful in the real world? You be the judge, jury, and explanation-er.

Satire alert, of course. Ya gotta love what those translation engines do to the tortured musings of those international spammers.

With this example, though–quite apart from the survival advice–I was intrigued even more with its potential as truly high brow poetry or literature.

Here is how I edited things down into a slick little “poem”. At the end, you can read the original text as my Akismet spam filter captured it.

Survival!

Start by hitting trees,

huddle wood,

mastery a wooden pickaxe,

gather stones.

Heap sufficiently wood,

build a campfire,

curb cold in the night.

Herd together berries or hunting animals…

Cloy your hunger.

Be painstaking of other hostile players that muscle kill you!

Look at the map,

recall the location of the resources.

Can you credulous the stark bitter-cold night?

The crafting possibilities are constant…

Inspect prohibited several combinations of materials,

make odd tools.

Aside from crafting, get-together nutriment is important.

Flower victuals such as wheat and melons,

hunt wild animals and knock off them,

the raw substance can be cooked using fire.

Look at the motherland and find critical spots…

Be steady to undertake housing during the night…

Manifold monsters approach in at tenebrousness…

Without firelight or weapons… defenceless.

Be attentive in this risky humanity and do what you can to survive!

The original spam text: “How large can you survive?”

“You need to suggestible the abruptly and yen crave through crafting different items. Start by hitting trees to huddle wood, then mastery a wooden pickaxe to gather stones. Heap sufficiently wood and stones to be masterful to build a campfire to curb cold in the night. Don’t forget to herd together berries or hunting animals to cloy your hunger. Be painstaking of other hostile players that muscle kill you! Look at the map to recall the location of the resources. Can you credulous the stark bitter-cold night and any other threats? Proper fortuity in this new trick!

The tourney has many similarities to Minecraft and uses many compare favourably with game mechanisms. The crafting possibilities are constant – inspect prohibited several combinations of materials to see what items can be made. Make odd tools so that complex processes such as mining can be undertaken.

Aside from crafting, get-together nutriment is important. Players can flower victuals such as wheat and melons and grow their own aliment supply. Alternatively, players can hunt wild animals and knock off them such as cows, deer, and sheep. The raw substance can be cooked using fire and eaten to well provided health.

Unexceptionally spurn the mini map to look at the motherland and find critical spots. Also, be steady to undertake housing during the night. Manifold monsters approach in at tenebrousness and desire deprecation players. Without firelight (such as torches), or weapons, players will be defenceless.

Remember that if a performer dies, they wish mislay all of their elevation, materials, and items and possess to start again!

Be attentive in this risky humanity and do what you can to survive!”